Give thanks no matter what!

2010-02-08T03:05:00.000-08:00

One minute everyone is enjoying breakfast together, and the next the orange juice is toppled and the drawing is ruined and nobody wants the pancakes anymore. Blown out of proportion by a cranky preschooler, sulking tween, or grudge-holding parent, a single mishap can expand into a gloom that lasts for hours.
This is why the spate of recent research into the actual science of happiness caught my attention. Juice puddles (and far worse) will always be with us, but, it turns out, they have little to do with how truly content a family is. Instead, as Tolstoy said, happy families actually are all alike -- at least in that they practice common habits that help inoculate them against setbacks large and small. The good news for the rest of us? Copying those might make us happier, too.

Give thanks -- no matter what
Research consistently finds that regularly expressing gratitude is good for our overall well-being: People who do so are healthier, more successful at reaching their goals, more optimistic, and more inclined to help others. But what if your family is struggling, say with a job loss, and no one is feeling like they have much to be thankful for?
"There's nothing wrong with faking it," says Robert Emmons, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, and author of the book "Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier." "It doesn't have to be spontaneous or natural. Act grateful, and you'll soon start feeling it."
This strategy is based on a well-known psychological fact: Human brains don't like to behave and feel in opposition. That's why your kids will struggle through the simple exercise of trying to smile while saying something mean, or attempting to frown while saying "I love you." Their expressions will want to follow their words.
For those of us whose natural tendency is to see the glass as half empty, the fact that our brain wants to align with our actions provides some support on the way to happiness. During your week, take time to identify some little positive, and then give thanks -- to the person responsible, to yourself, to the universe or your God. Not only will you feel better, but it'll set a good example for your kids.
"If we stand around waiting for a feeling to move us, we may never get going," says Emmons. "But choosing to act grateful for what we have is something we can all do."
At home, encourage your kids to establish a habit of acknowledging all the good in life and in other people. Deliberate, regular practice helps: Each month, ask them to send thank-yous to people who have been kind, helpful, or generous, for example. Make those into creative fun, rather than a chore, by suggesting they send them in the form of a photo, video, or drawing. And, of course, count your blessings whenever your family has time together, whether at breakfast, dinner, bedtime, or even in the car.

Seek Out Satisfaction in Your Choices
This advice goes to the heart of a key finding of happiness research: It's important to learn to be content with how our decisions turn out. My children's preschool teacher, Joyce Drolette of Bozeman, Montana, sent the girls home repeating what turns out to be a powerful mantra for happiness: "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
"I've never met a parent who will say she only wants what's 'good enough' for her kids," says Barry Schwartz, a professor of psychology at Swarthmore College, in Pennsylvania, and author of the book "The Paradox of Choice." "But if happiness is your goal, that's exactly where you need to aim."
Schwartz's research shows that for many people, having multiple options and aspiring for the very best among them causes far more pain than gain. Schwartz calls these people "maximizers," and we all know them: They are the ones who can't enjoy the balcony at their beach hotel because they see a better balcony around the corner.
In fact, maximizers may never even get down to the shore at all. They are so consumed with making the "right" and best choices that they end up paralyzed, unable to decide if they should ask for the pool view or the beach view.
For every one of them, though, there is what Schwartz calls a "satisficer": someone totally at peace with her balcony, who goes out there, sits back, and enjoys the view. She knows she chose this hotel at this rate and will relish the fact that she has a few days to escape.

The Secrets to Having a Happy Family!

2010-01-26T03:50:00.000-08:00

Is your family a happy family? When you come home from a long day at the office, do you look forward to the peace and joy that will greet you when you walk through your front door? If not, here are 3 secrets that will help you turn your family into the happy family you want it to be.

1. Determine Child Discipline Ahead of Time

Many, many arguments between a husband and wife come because of differences in opinion about how to disciple the children. So you two need to find some time alone and away from the children and agree on how to discipline. Children can sense weakness, and they can sense disagreement. If they know that you and your spouse don’t agree on discipline, they will more than likely play one parent against another. This battle could lead to the ultimate destruction of your marriage.

2. Talk Often

It seems that one of the hardest things to get couples to do is talk about their relationship. I know talking about your relationship requires openness, honesty, and intimacy, but relationship talk is an absolute must. Set some time aside every week or two to just talk about your relationship. Don’t start off talking about the bad aspects – talk about the good aspects first. If you have not talked about your relationship in a while, spend the first couple of weeks talking about the good before you ever mention the bad.

3. Put Your Children Second

In every marriage relationship, the children should come in second to the spouse. If you only focus on making your children happy, then you are neglecting the relationship with your marriage partner. I have seen so many couples stay together “because of the children” and then separate when the children left the home. Why did this happen? Because somewhere along the way, one or both of the spouses placed more importance on making the children happy than making each other happy. You didn’t get married for your children – you got married because you loved your spouse. Don’t let your children get in the way of your love.

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Happy Family Secrets

Give thanks no matter what!

The Secrets to Having a Happy Family!